How to Plan Your Mother's Funeral

Start with a copy of a form to be filled out.  If you're lucky, this will have been distributed ahead of the family funeral-planning meeting.  If you're even more fortunate, the funeral director for your congregation is one of your siblings, and this process can be expedited because of that.  Or not.  In our family's case, not.  We feel far too free to weigh in with our highly varied and heavily-weighted opinions in the presence of a family funeral director.  We are careful, however, not to reveal too much of this in the presence of Gwen, the highly competent and wholly appropriate funeral home representative present for the first part of the meeting.  There was, however, that bunny trail about her last name . . . (sounds like something healthy and herbal--Oh yeah.  Comfrey.  Almost like Gumfory.  I think she forgave us.)

Warn all of your family not to embark on bunny trails, just ahead of your own foray down a bunny trail.

Speak in wildly ironic terms that elicit belly laughs from everyone around the planning table.  Refer to Mom's penchant for seeking luxury and ease and suggest that her name might just as well have been Mary Epicurean Miller as Mary Elizabeth Miller.

Look at pictures of Mom when she was younger and talk about how beautiful she was.  Remark that she looked a lot like Liz-Taylor-beautiful cousin Ella, Mom's niece.  Ask "Dad, did you marry her for her looks?   How was her eyesight when you got married?"  Dad has the good sense to laugh about this dig regarding the relative merits of their appearance and the fact that she definitely was the winner in this contest--which of course was never a contest at all.  Mom would have been horrified if anyone had ever had the terrible judgement to suggest such a thing in her presence.

Entertain many novel ideas about how a funeral could be done.  Discuss them thoroughly.  Consider holding out for one or more of them but decide against it.   Eventually discard nearly all of the novel ideas and return to the original tried and true, staid and solid, comforting and compelling traditions of our faith community at such times.

Try to figure out how best to put to use all those wonderful minister friends who plan to come for the funeral.  Search for the schedule one of the local ministers regularly emails to certain selected individuals to see who would be displaced in the schedule if a visiting minister preached on Sunday.  Note that some home ministers are scheduled to speak elsewhere on that Sunday.  Call this practice "prophet sharing" instead of pulpit exchange.

Decide on a photo to put in the paper, after overruling the dissenters who thought the studio photo from 1988 was better (true, of course, but there were those big glasses, and it was too different from how anyone born since then ever saw her).  Extract Mom's image from the picture cousin Marland took on July 27, 2006 when he brought his mother Fannie (Mom's sister) from Florida to Iowa.  Then Mom traveled there too where they all were raised, and Mom, Fannie, and Aunt Esther were all together for the first time in many years.

Make phone calls to verify that the oldest grandson from each family will be able to attend and can serve as casket bearer--except for Joel, who we miss terribly right now.

If you have a smartphone, read aloud some of the messages from friends who heard about Mom's death and let us know they cared.  Turn on the phone speaker when Jan calls from the Netherlands.  He drives a tour bus that Myron and Marvin have utilized when they led travel tours to Europe.

Hear about various people who plan to travel here for the funeral and marvel at the effort they're willing to put forth to do so.

Lament the poor manners of those who stay for the funeral meal and take seconds before everyone has been served.  Experiment with wording for an announcement warning against doing this.  More belly laughs.

Reflect on the fact that this is not how you expected the funeral planning to be.  Remember those tears in the hospital room and alone at home and accept the fact that at such a highly emotional time, the emotions may be highly varied.  Remember also that Mom would have joined right in on the belly laughs in her better days, as Dad does now.

Breathe a sigh of relief when the form is filled out.