Kinda Neat--or Not

Some decades ago, Sanford Yoder said something in a sermon here that has stuck with me.  He reported on a conversation with his young-adult children.  The subject was self-written wedding vows.  His children thought they were "kinda neat,"  as he summarized it.  I don't think Sanford reported on his immediate response to that sentiment--only on his subsequent thinking.

Essentially, he wondered if couples who wrote their own vows weren't getting some things mixed up.  As I recall, Sanford proposed that in a public church wedding ceremony, the couple getting married should understand that a big part of what they are doing is asking favors of others.  I think of people who take time for attendance, the minister who acts in an official capacity to perform the ceremony, those who spend time in preparation for speaking, singing, and preparing and serving food, and those who spend money for food, clothing, supplies, gifts, facilities, and travel.  Beyond that, the couple is legitimately seeking the blessing and goodwill of friends and family on the establishment of a new home.  Receiving such is a great favor.

In our wedding traditions, in exchange for all these favors, the couple or their parents offer food, beautiful and comfortable surroundings, and an opportunity to worship, to fellowship, and to hear instruction.

None of the above suggests that self-centeredness is a proper focus for the day--for anyone present, but certainly not for the couple getting married.  Over-individualizing  wedding vows, in Sanford's view, tipped a ceremony too far toward self-centeredness and too far away from acceptance of what was most readily offered:  the gift of traditions.

I identify with Sanford's thinking.  Especially in once-in-a-lifetime events, tradition is our friend, and a preoccupation with innovation and individualization is not particularly commendable.  Certainly, the comfort, convenience, and sensibilities of the guests should always loom large in the planning and in the events.  For sure, it's an awful time to be offensive and to act petty or selfish.

On the day that Sanford's daughter got married in Costa Rica to my brother, I was not present.  I was at home awaiting the birth of our first child.  What I know of the wedding comes from pictures and from hearing about it.  Five things stand out:

1.  Lowell did not wear a suit coat to the ceremony because some Costa Rican brothers objected to such ostentation.  He took it off after they took some pictures.  Judy had made (or altered) his suit, and Lowell had planned to wear it.

2.  They got two glasses as a wedding gift from one church family.  Judy was sure that the family had never owned two such glasses, and drank from old jars, cheap plastic, etc. instead.

3.  All their wedding gifts fit into one laundry basket.

4.  The building in which the wedding took place had the front wall bedecked with long, curving giant leaves (branches?) from a palm tree.  As I recall hearing my mom tell it, Sanford showed up with the leaves in his arms on the morning of the wedding, the idea of using them apparently just having occurred to him.

5.  They served chicken and rice (a traditional wedding meal).

I have never heard expressed a single negative memory of that wedding, perhaps because they did what may always be wise in wedding planning:

1.  Don't be offensive.

2.  Honor your guests and be grateful for their sacrifices.

3.  Don't be ostentatious.

4.  Don't tell the Dad who's paying for the wedding what he can and can't do.

5.  Honor tradition.