Family Culture

My composition students are writing about their families for their community writing project.  As part of the assignment, they're giving some thought to their family culture.  This is proving to be a daunting process for some of them.

I've heard "Our family doesn't have a culture."

I've also heard, "My mom said their family was so busy working five times harder than anyone else that they didn't have time for any kind of culture."

"What is a family culture?" others asked.   What would you have said?

First I assured them that every family has a culture.  The fact that the family culture may not be immediately obvious  means that more thought and evaluation are necessary.  I even had the temerity to suggest to one student that perhaps the difficulty in identifying a family culture is suggestive of an action-oriented family tendency instead of a cautious-reflection tendency.  That, in itself, might be part of their family culture.

I suggested that students think about what is important to their family--possessions, activities, issues.  How is the family used to interacting with each other and others outside the family?  What attitudes prevail?  What do they value?  They should think about patterns that may have been repeated across several generations--what their family is and does, even when they're not giving thought to conscious choices.  I urged them to ask their family and friends for help in identifying things that they may never have noticed themselves.  Try to think what makes your family different from other families.

I teach some students who are the fourth generation descendants of long-gone people I knew personally.  From  my perspective, some of the same family characteristics shout from every generation.  Discretion demands that, for the most part, I keep my observations to myself.  I do what I can, however, to help students become self-aware.  Doing this, I believe, helps them feel that they belong in their family, and perhaps gives them new appreciation for what they have gained from life in their family.

On the other hand, becoming self-aware helps young people take the first step toward improving family characteristics and habits that might be irritating to others, off-balance, counter-productive, or downright wrong or destructive in some way.  The challenge is to foster respect for their family and a willingness to embrace their identity, without letting any part of it become a barrier to their own "progressive sanctification."

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Pondering long-standing family "flavors" has made me thoughtful about the consequences of not dealing rightly with the unalterable circumstances we've been handed, the crises we encounter, or the sins we're tempted with.  When we shrug off a fault with "that's just the way I am," or we respond to correction with defensiveness, or we choose to run away from a less-than-ideal situation, we may not only be failing to do what's right for ourselves, but also creating a burden that will be heavy in our family for multiple generations.

In the context of a healthy marriage, individual extremes are often moderated, and the sum of the whole is greater than the contribution of its parts.  I have a fresh appreciation for this potential.  The same applies to being committed to a local church:  individual extremes are moderated and the sum of the whole is greater than the contribution of its parts.  I don't want any part of chafing against the processes that bring about becoming part of a healthy whole, but embracing the processes can be hard.

For us individually, for our generation, and for all generations, our watchful, loving God both orchestrates the unfolding story and allows people's choices to alter the story.  This is the mystery a study of family culture reveals.  I want to embrace the certainties and to be at peace with the remaining mysteries for this day of my life, and for the future.