Prairie View

Friday, March 12, 2021

Funeral Day Reflections

I just returned from the funeral of Sue Nisly who was 62.  I am always thoughtful after a funeral, and today is no exception.  Sometimes I feel that I know a person better after they’re deceased than I ever knew them in life.  In Sue’s case, I realize that I never knew the extent of her outstanding support of and care for the needy–which others can hardly finish talking about.  I understand why I didn’t know: because I was too blessed to have suffered the plight of being marginalized because of bad choices or crushing life circumstances or having been vulnerable because of ill health.   Sue was busy tending to the needs of people who needed her help more than I did. 

Even so, she noticed some of the fraught conversations that I’ve been involved in on social media, and quietly offered affirmation to me via private messages.  For that I am profoundly grateful. My sister and I both remember having gotten a phone call from Sue when we faced a cancer diagnosis.  That too was welcome.

Not many of us will die more than 30 years after the first of three cancer diagnoses, and having a liver transplant that provided a new lease on life nine? years ago. She had many surgeries, some of them orthopedic.  Mayo Clinic was her “home” for many months at various times.  

Our middle son, Shane spent more time in Cliff and Sue’s home than anyone else in our family.  He was nearly the same age as their younger son, Jadon, who lives now in Europe.  Shane helped sing today at the funeral.  

Isaac Peters’ meditation was comforting and inspiring–possibly more so than anything I’ve ever heard at a funeral.  He spoke from John 17:24, making applications from that Scripture that I’ve never considered before.  Beulah (Cliff’s sister) has become the de facto family writer of tributes.  As one of the younger ones of 15 siblings in Cliff’s family (and the one who was her mother’s caretaker till she died at the age of 100), Beulah has stayed connected closely enough with everyone to be able to speak for the family when a death occurs.  She shared a tribute, which was something of a compilation of many people’s memories. Justin, the older son, gave his tribute in the form of recollections about the things he embraces now that he learned from his mother’s instruction and example.  He lives in India.

Sue’s obituary in the local newspaper contained these words: “Sue deeply believed in protecting the vulnerable, the elderly, and the ill, so the family requests that all who attend [the funeral] honor her wishes by wearing a mask and observing social distancing.”  I cried when I read this. Sue finally got a chance to "tell" everyone what no one should have needed to tell anyone–that Christian people care best for others by taking appropriate precautions when failure to do so endangers others.  I can’t imagine more effective circumstances for conveying this message.  I see it as a special grace from God to her and to her family for providing this great opportunity in a time of great loss.  

Every public entrance at the Pleasantview Activity Center where the funeral was held had a reminder of what was expected.  I didn’t see any non-mask wearers today.  To be fair, I saw only a small fraction of the faces of those who were present.  

The distance-seating part didn’t really happen much that I saw, although there were enough chairs set up to accommodate that, and the rows were appropriately spaced for that.  I personally found distance seating convenient, however, since I was simply pointed toward a row where some were already seated.  I selected the third chair away from the last person seated in that row. The person following me did something similar.  I presume that many others either didn’t think about or didn’t care to exercise that option. Obviously, if Iva, who followed me, had not left a gap between us, my efforts to honor the family’s wishes would have been stymied too.  

Today’s funeral service was the first time I’ve been in a group gathering of this size where I knew that no one had been given explicit or implicit “pardon” for non-mask-wearing by some intermediate authority during a time and place where mask wearing is government-mandated for the populace.  Under these circumstances, today any non-mask-wearer would have been immediately outed for acting solely on their own volition–and in violation of the explicit request of a grieving family acting in support of general official guidance, while trying to honor the dying wishes of a beloved ally for the vulnerable.  This is perhaps one of the most clarifying situations imaginable.

The fact that in today’s funeral setting some things can be apparent to onlookers that might remain mercifully fuzzy otherwise is perhaps not the most important clarification.  I’m hopeful that the needful role of leaders in protecting the vulnerable was obvious today.  Without a position of leadership, Sue and her surviving family exercised leadership by showing us what leadership that is protective of the vulnerable can look like.  They did not circumvent others with positional authority to do this.  

I’m also hopeful that the lack of "goodwill toward men" often apparent in a robust defense of individual freedom (while rejecting virus mitigation measures) is highlighted as well, particularly for those making such a defense.  

Finally, I’m hopeful that push back against good advice from the government and scientists is seen for the fear-based, anti-intellectual  response that it is.  Too much of this is woven into the fabric of “Anabaptist Exceptionalism.” The notion that “those laws” don’t apply to us has provided cover for too many selfish actions, during the pandemic and at other times.  

None of us who have been grieving and praying about the disappointments and losses connected with the pandemic wanted clarification by way of the death of one dear to us. Some of us may not have wanted clarification at all.  Having been granted it unsolicited, however, is better than to have missed it entirely. I hope we all can receive such clarifying gifts with grace and gratitude. Sue would approve.

3 Comments:

  • Thank you, Miriam!

    By Blogger Cliff Nisly, at 3/12/2021  

  • As someone who can't wear a mask some of the time due to disablity, I would ask people to be sympathetic towards the fact that sometimes we do simply have to make a personal judgement: for example, if there is a change in the medical condition. I could wear a mask towards the start of the epidemic - and did so before it was compulsory where I live - but then I had a bad attack of dysautomnia, and can now only wear one with an active air supply some of the time - and when it works!

    Moreover, those of us with such conditions are often already dealing with a lot: things like filling in a "simple" form or making an extra phonecall to explain, can be impossible burdens.

    I could have discovered that I was developing a problem half-way through a funeral, and I might well have ended up in hospital if I had not been able to trust people to accept that I couldn't cover my face for the rest of the event. Someone I know is fine wearing one unless she has an asthma attack, which only happens occasionally, but when it does happen she needs to take it off. I strongly believe in taking precautions - thou shalt not put the Lord Thy God to the test - but the vunerable are not necessarily served by official restrictions on freedom, as those restrictions remove our capacity to manage our health in the way we need to. Without going into detail, lockdown policies - lockdown, not COVID - nearly caused my death, because they prevented me managing my health.

    Moreover, I would say there is a strong case that any legal restriction on freedom that is considered unreasonable in the context of accomodations for the disabled, is not reasonable for COVID either. Peanuts are not illegal, despite the fact that people who have severe allergies to them are at risk of their lives every day as a result of the possiblity of encountering them. I feel that the lives and welfare of disabled people like myself (those of us who aren't at special risk from COVID) are regarded as having inferior value: we can be restricted when it is someone else who is at risk, but restrictions to other people's freedom for our sake are "unreasonable". Imagine the response if, in normal times, a disabled person had gone to their college or office and requested all the things that are being done for COVID! If a family had requested ten years ago that masks be worn at a funeral so an immuno-compromised family member could attend, how many people would have done it? There is another side to all this.

    Having said this, I am well aware that a lot of people have refused to take sensible precautions without seeming to have rational reasons for it, and I am very glad if your friend's family has challenged that.

    :-)

    By Anonymous FloweringTree, at 4/23/2021  

  • FloweringTree (also known as Cherry Foster, apparently), there is certainly room in my understanding for exceptions to mask wearing for those who experience crises when they do so. In such cases, non-mask-wearing is an act of humility that exposes a need, for which the compassion of others is desired.
    I believe that in such cases it is freely granted by reasonable people. I have friends for whom this is the case.

    Later, when I watched a livestream of the funeral, I did see some non-mask-wearers. They were in a group apparently from the same family or community. I think it's a given that this was not a case of disability. I noticed also the absence of close relatives who are vocally opposed to mask wearing. This really looks to me like prioritizing their objection to masks over their desire to support a relative during the time of a death. I know too that for "them" the issue is highly politicized, and the objections are couched in the language of holding personal freedom in high regard.

    In the blog post above I seriously considered venturing into "exception" territory, but ultimately decided that I could not do justice to the idea without detracting from the main point. I value the clarification in your comment and am glad that you stopped by.

    This is a curious question: How did you find this blog? As far as I know, we're strangers.

    By Blogger Miriam Iwashige, at 4/24/2021  

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