The Lullaby and Vulnerabilitiy

My mother used to sing a lullaby that I have never heard sung by anyone else.  Tonight after listening to the Dwight Gingrich family sing their own family lullaby on youtube, I went looking for an online recording of what we used to call "Sleep My Bonnie."  I didn't find it, but I found the words and music here, with two verses that I never heard before.  My mother sang only verses one and two.

I used to think "Bonnie" was a name.  Later, I realized it was used as an adjective for "treasure."  It means attractive or beautiful.  Bonnie can also be a form of address for one's beloved, or a baby.

Who knew that the lullaby I heard was a Lithuanian folk or dance song?  I'm not sure how a song can be appropriate for both dancing and going to sleep, but what do I know?

I have no idea where my mother learned the song , since she did not sight-read music or listen to recorded music.  Here are the words as I remember them:

Sleep, my bonny, blue-eyed little treasure. [For some of us, she sang "brown-eyed" little treasure]
Sleep till the rosy dawning of the day.
Bring the happy hours of pleasure,
Dream the starry night away.
Sleep little treasure.

May the angels hover ever near thee.
Loving watch forever o'er thee keep
Fairest visions come to cheer thee
Sleep my little treasure, sleep.
Sleep, little treasure.

The online version is slightly different in the second line of verse two.

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Today, for the second time in as many weeks, I listened to this TED Talk by Brene' Brown on The Power of Vulnerability.  The first time I heard it was under less than optimal conditions.  It was part of the day's Leadership Reno County class, but no one could get the laptop sound to connect to the room's sound system, so finally the laptop got plopped into the middle of the room with the sound turned way up.  On the screen we could see the speaker, and her words appeared in text on the screen, but the sound from the laptop barely reached around the room.  I promise that no one trying to make things work had imbibed anything they found in the cavernous storage warehouse of the City Beverage building where the class was held.

The most memorable part of the events connected with the TED Talk was the discussion that followed.  That discussion was very hard work.  We were supposed to talk about vulnerability, and no one really had much to say--except Nancy, whom I saw crying in the restroom later.  She had spoken up, and the facilitator then asked the rest of us if we're going to let Nancy's words fill the space, implying that the rest of us should be speaking up instead of remaining silent.  Nancy took it as a rebuke though--for talking too much, all the while ruing the sensitivity that had resulted in tears.

Another person who had a very difficult childhood said that she knows that she has focused most of her life as an adult on moving on from that difficulty. She was processing what vulnerability looked like in her situation.  She mused that perhaps she should be more willing to talk about the hard things she has experienced in life.

I really didn't know what to say.  I like to think that I am fairly transparent.  Is that the same thing as vulnerability?  Or maybe I am more of an enigma than I realize.

As I looked around the people in the room, almost none of whom I had much in common with, I felt honestly like I would be happy to answer any question anyone might think of asking me.  On the other hand, what would be the point of "spilling my guts" right there, right then.  Should I comment on being vulnerable?  Is that what was being solicited?

Anything else seemed silly, since a recital of any shameful truths about me would seem like little more than me-centered drama, of no use to anyone else in that particular setting.  Finally I said that I like time to reflect on ideas like the ones expressed in Brene' Brown's TED talk.  At some later time I would feel more ready to talk about the topic.  Afterward, the person in charge of the discussion (everyone in Hutchinson knows her husband because of his former job and his current office) told me that she feels exactly the same way.  Whew.  I'm not the only one.

Thoughts of vulnerability kept resurfacing over the next few days.  I'm not a powerhouse of self-confidence.  Does that make me suitably vulnerable--or overly reticent?  Neither am I in the habit of chronic self-evaluation.  Does that make me suitably confident--or insufferably arrogant, or just clueless?

I kept returning to what I knew from having been exposed all my life to fundamental truths of Christian faith and the Word of God.  An awareness of sin keeps me feeling needy and willing to admit failure.  That's the vulnerability-reinforcing side.  Knowing of Jesus' sacrifice reminds me that I have great value in God's eyes.  Being in a relationship with the all-powerful God of the Universe is incredibly empowering.  In this relationship, I have access to wisdom and resources that I can't begin to drum up by my own volition and effort.  Love can be offered freely to others from the store that I have received.  Gratitude helps keep things in perspective.  I'm richly blessed, but no paragon of virtue and accomplishment.

I wonder how things would be different with me, however, if I had not had a mother who kept singing to me that I was her "bonny, brown-eyed little treasure" while cradling me in her arms.   Without that "skin-on" reassurance from before my earliest memory, I'm afraid that the vulnerability that I sometimes feel might more frequently gain the upper hand. 

God bless every mother who offers her children security and love and time.  Like me, sometime in the future, those children may fail to meet their obligations in a timely manner or act more lazy and less generous and more harsh than they should.  If they have been loved well and taught well, however, they just may have the self-awareness and resilience to try again in hopes of doing better the next time.  Repeated effort over the course of a lifetime can result in an upward trajectory, and good can be accomplished along the way.  Joy is a side benefit.  Or is that the main benefit?