Your Women Are Not Happy
Last week I read a blog post that one of my friends linked to on Facebook. It was written by an elderly minister ordained in the Mennonite church, who was so far to the liberal side of the spectrum that he probably teetered on the brink of a steep precipice above a dark and seething morass with very little resemblance to life-changing Christian faith. He soberly detailed various experiences and "insights" that had led him to espouse a variety of heresies (my word).
One of the minister's defining moments regarding how women should function in society and in the church came when someone outside the church looked in on the minister's congregation and said bluntly, "Your women are not happy." The minister seemed to think this could be remedied if women were free to adopt leadership positions in society and in the church.
I had a flashback, when I read that succinct observation, of something that happened to me many decades ago, when I was quite young. My intelligent age-mate and cousin and fellow-church member had just returned from having spent several years abroad, and we were talking--just the two of us, after church one morning--when he said that when he came back he was struck by the fact that the women in church seemed tired or depressed or unhappy. He wondered why that was the case. He didn't speculate further that I remember. I do remember him saying also in that same conversation that he thinks the women's liberation movement has gotten one thing right: women should receive equal pay for equal work. It was the 1970s and the movement was in its prime.
I was a little taken aback by my cousin's observation, and I wanted to protest. I didn't think I felt unhappy and didn't think that in general the women around me felt unhappy either. I haven't obsessed over the matter, and might never have recalled it if I hadn't read "Your women are not happy" recently.
What's the reality here? Several possibilities come to mind:
1. Observers are imagining unhappiness where unhappiness does not exist.
2. Women are happy, but their happiness does not register on their faces.
3. Women are unhappy, and only a few discerning people notice.
4. Women are out of touch with their own feelings and think they're happy when they're not.
5. It doesn't matter whether women are happy or not, and thinking about it is foolishness.
6. It does matter whether women are happy or not, and discovering the reality is important.
Can you think of possibilities that I missed?
Can you explain or defend any of the above possibilities? Do you give assent to any, even if you can't explain or defend them?
What I most would like to hear is that women in our church are happy and they have good reason to feel that way.
What I most would like to know though is the truth, and then to be able to embrace that truth and discover God's purposes from that position.
I almost wish I hadn't read "Your women are not happy," but I did, and now that I've put it out there for others to consider thoughtfully and weigh in on, I can go back to preparing lessons for school tomorrow. Thanks in advance for your help.
One of the minister's defining moments regarding how women should function in society and in the church came when someone outside the church looked in on the minister's congregation and said bluntly, "Your women are not happy." The minister seemed to think this could be remedied if women were free to adopt leadership positions in society and in the church.
I had a flashback, when I read that succinct observation, of something that happened to me many decades ago, when I was quite young. My intelligent age-mate and cousin and fellow-church member had just returned from having spent several years abroad, and we were talking--just the two of us, after church one morning--when he said that when he came back he was struck by the fact that the women in church seemed tired or depressed or unhappy. He wondered why that was the case. He didn't speculate further that I remember. I do remember him saying also in that same conversation that he thinks the women's liberation movement has gotten one thing right: women should receive equal pay for equal work. It was the 1970s and the movement was in its prime.
I was a little taken aback by my cousin's observation, and I wanted to protest. I didn't think I felt unhappy and didn't think that in general the women around me felt unhappy either. I haven't obsessed over the matter, and might never have recalled it if I hadn't read "Your women are not happy" recently.
What's the reality here? Several possibilities come to mind:
1. Observers are imagining unhappiness where unhappiness does not exist.
2. Women are happy, but their happiness does not register on their faces.
3. Women are unhappy, and only a few discerning people notice.
4. Women are out of touch with their own feelings and think they're happy when they're not.
5. It doesn't matter whether women are happy or not, and thinking about it is foolishness.
6. It does matter whether women are happy or not, and discovering the reality is important.
Can you think of possibilities that I missed?
Can you explain or defend any of the above possibilities? Do you give assent to any, even if you can't explain or defend them?
What I most would like to hear is that women in our church are happy and they have good reason to feel that way.
What I most would like to know though is the truth, and then to be able to embrace that truth and discover God's purposes from that position.
I almost wish I hadn't read "Your women are not happy," but I did, and now that I've put it out there for others to consider thoughtfully and weigh in on, I can go back to preparing lessons for school tomorrow. Thanks in advance for your help.
posted by Mrs. I (Miriam Iwashige) at
8:10 PM
8 Comments:
Good questions. Another: Are the men happy? I say this in part because, as an outsider to Beachy culture in general, and especially having transitioned from NYC with its very different set of cultures, my initial impression was that very few people of either gender in the Beachy church we were newly attending looked very happy. Upon longer reflection, I'm not sure how to interpret my initial impression. One thing I do know is that most Beachy persons are much less emotionally expressive on all emotional domains than many of my acquaintances in other cultures are. So they don't look really-happy very often, nor do they look really-sad as frequently as some other cultures. So part of the impression of unhappiness is probably due to non-natives looking in at Beachy culture and measuring it by how expressive other cultures are. But does that explain everything? And how does happiness correlate with spiritual health? But you were looking for answers, not more questions! :-)
By
Dwight Gingrich, at 2/25/2015
Dwight, I'm quite happy to add your set of questions to my own, inviting others to comment on yours also. I'm musing over why the men I heard from cited women only while you noted similar "lack of happiness evidence" in both men and women. Many godly women would carefully guard their conduct around men so as not to be flirtatious. I presume that some level of reserve is present in men also when relating to women. Maybe church services--which is where we often meet--are considered times when sobriety is especially appropriate. So now, if we're looking for bunny trails, we could go down the cross-gender relationships one, or the church decorum one (been there, done that on the last option), I think you're exactly right about immersion in a given culture creating a tendency to make intuitive comparisons when people move to a different culture. I like how you pointed out that not looking really sad is also present among people who often don't look really happy. Thanks for commenting.
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Mrs. I (Miriam Iwashige), at 2/26/2015
Well, now, this makes me very curious. I can't wait to see what conclusions you come up with.
Several years ago I read a book titled Living from the Heart Jesus Gave You. One of the big things I took away from reading that book was the effort to build joy-strength in other people, especially my family. I think of this often when I am relating with my kids. When they are sad, I try to bring them back to joy. Even very small things like smiling at them when I catch their eyes, showing bits of affection at odd moments, etc., I do much more consciously than I used to. Will this make them happier people? I don't know, but I know it makes me feel happier to give them that positive input.
By the way, I think of you as a happy person, Miriam. You don't strike me as being morose at all.
By
Rosina, at 2/27/2015
It seems the minister responded to an outsider's assessment in an impulsive way--with his conclusion: I know how to make our women happy, let's make it happen. And he apparently proceeded to act on his foregone conclusion. But is happiness the ultimate goal? Wouldn't peace be a better goal? It seems to me it would have been better for him to dig into Scripture about God's way for women, pray about it, discuss it with godly people, and then proceed, rather than assume he knows what the problem is and exactly how to fix it. LRM
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LRM, at 2/28/2015
Rosina, I like your thoughts on building joy and strength in others. Thanks too for the affirmation. LRM, I had the same idea--that perhaps peace should prevail even when happiness doesn't. Then I thought of how pursuing peace can lead us astray too (you're OK as long as everyone likes you and likes what you think and feel and do). Pursuit of faithfulness, maybe? Really, I think nothing except pursuit of God will generate happiness in the core of our being. That will almost certainly register on our countenance as peace. Happiness? Maybe.
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Mrs. I (Miriam Iwashige), at 2/28/2015
I think you hit the nail on the head, Miriam. Only in God do we find true happiness. And to the extent that we live in alignment with what we were created for -- to bring him glory and worship -- and follow His plan and design, to that extent we will experience true happiness. There are so many things that can distract us from that focus/reality, whether we're liberal or conservative, and we do well to remind ourselves of what our real purpose is, why we were created, and what our Creator has so graciously laid out in His Word as His perfect plan.
I tend to be a perfectionistic overachiever and idealist, so feelings of guilt and inadequacy can be a joy-robber for me. But the answer is not in lowering the standard, when it comes to His standard. (How I keep my house, etc. might be another discussion, and there again needs to be subject to God's original purpose for us.) Instead, I need to resist the natural tendency to respond as Adam & Eve did in wanting to hide, blame, excuse, or try on my own to make things better. In my guilt, be it real or imagined, the best thing I can do is to run into the light of His Presence, acknowledge my undoneness as Isaiah did, be honest with God, and be restored/walk in His original plan of fellowship, made possible again by the blood of Jesus! Honesty with those around me is also very necessary, and can actually be very encouraging. Emma
By
alz, at 3/04/2015
Emma, I can tell you've given this some careful thought and I like how clearly you write about it. One way to think about whether or not women look happy is that it's just another unprofitable way to be preoccupied with appearances. You write, however, of something much more substantive--deep satisfaction derived from living "in alignment with what we were created for." Thanks for commenting.
By
Mrs. I (Miriam Iwashige), at 3/04/2015
The "your women are not happy" line resonated with me because it is almost verbatim what a college friend said came to church with me in Minnesota. I also heard something similar from a local gas station attendant who asked me about this since I "looked happy." Both incidents troubled me. It was good to read your thoughts and also the comments.
By
Dorcas, at 3/11/2015
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